The not knowing; the not naming; that is the hard part. It causes anxiety and worry. It makes us weary and hopeless.
“God’s good. Just naming it… Just naming it. When you don’t have the name for something, you’re haunted by shadows. It ages you.” That is a quote from Ann Voskamp’s book, One Thousand Gifts.
We are to that point. Just tell us what is wrong with Mom. I think we could handle any news now. Good or Bad. We just need to know. We need to plan. We need to act. This waiting is wearing on us. And it’s wearing on Mom.
She looks old and feeble and just plain tired. I am sad. She looks beaten. Apathetic.
Don’t give up, Mom. You’re a fighter.
Maybe she sees despair in us. Maybe she’s feeding off our weariness. Maybe we have given up. It’s the not knowing. It drains the life. Day after day. No action. We don’t know what to do.
This has to stop.
I’m going to lobby to get Mom home today. Enough tests. Seven hospital stays. Dozens of tests. Too many doctors to even count anymore. Let’s treat what we can name. And forget what remains elusive. A cancer won’t be treatable anyways. To quote a famous first lady, ‘what difference, at this point, does it make’? Let’s get her home. Let’s give her some life. Enough already.
Mom is wasting away in a dreary hospital. I don’t want her days to be like this. I want her to have some joy and happiness. Surely at home, we can find ways to brighten her days.
Time to reassess our goals.
Lord, I want to see her smile. I ask that You give the doctors wisdom and insight. I pray that she regains her health. If she does not, please allow her days to be good and joyful. Give all of us hope and help us to encourage her. I pray that I can continue to care for her here in my home. Give me patience and kindness. Give me wisdom and discernment. Thank you, Lord. I trust You with her. I know You know the future even if we do not. Help us not to fail her.